SELF CARE

I find it so difficult to admit my vanity. I always consider myself very feminine and I make it my strength. I believe taking care of myself is a good lesson to share with my children. I never saw it damaging. I do know that there are extremes for vanity but a little of it wont hurt anyone. Or so I thought. The internal compass for beauty standards that I set myself to have was and is still at times absurd. I am aware fo it. I am working on it. It is sooooo hard for me to leave the house without applying make-up, which I probably have never done. I would never in a million years be caught dead wearing my hair au natural, with the lioness mane I was gratefully given. I tame my flaws all that I can. Needless to say, exhausting and unnecessary. All these insecure vanity issues. I blame it on my country of origin, all my full-on make up barbies that I adored. I blame it on the 90's and it's thin body culture where less is more. I blame it on my need for perfecting the imperfect disparities I was so often reminded of by strangers and the constant comparisons with my twin sister. The truth is I was given the blessing to be petite, by any standard. I was given the blessing to have a ton of hair, I was given the blessing of not having tons of acne. I was given the blessing of having big eyes. I don't take that for granted. I also was given the blessing of looking young. Which later on I found it being a curse. My children can explain it better. It is not easy for them to hear I could be their "older sister". I get it, i also was compared to my own. People can be so fucking annoying. Ruthless with their comments. And caught of guard, well, I don't have the best comebacks. I am trying to make peace with all of this.

I can't keep apologizing for my blessings. We all have them. Just in different shapes and sizes. Fuck what everyone else thinks of us. Easier said than done, right? of course we care. And if you don't good for you, I would love for you to show me how that is done please. What I have been practicing for a while now is the narrative inside my head. I still care about how people view me, I am not gonna lie, but I have been changing how I view and talk to myself. So I really try not to say anything negative. In the morning when I look at myself in the mirror I don't go, 'OMG look at these bags under my eyes.' I changed that judgment and I smile at me. Just that simple mini-gesture sets the tone for my morning routine. I just started doing that at my almost 50 years of age. I wish I started earlier, so if you are young this is the time to start.


I read somewhere that the dumbest thing to do is to point out the things we don't like. The typical question, do I look fat in these jeans, or can you see my cellulite, which by the way we all have! So I started changing little by little the narrative and expanding the likes of my cute butt, to my legs, my hips, my arms and belly! My belly is the one I struggle with the most. Having gone through two births, it will never look the same. My Mama kangaroo's pouch. The biggest reminder of my creative force! I hold it now and give it so much love. Even though at times I wish it wasn't there, I will continue to give it love. I pray today, that our girls and boys have better teachers for our self-esteem. That I can learn about being natural and accept my imperfections. To stop the filters and the absurd unattainable standards for beauty perfection. Perfect bodies, at 15 or 50! perfect skin, perfect butts, perfect abs. I pray for us.