Loosening the knot.

Figuratively speaking, the only way to loosen a knot is to let go of the tension.

How long can we hold the urge to cry, for example? We distract ourselves to avoid feeling the pain or the discomfort. We put up a facade for the rest of the world because the "world" needs us to look, feel, and act better. But what if we take it down a notch? What if we lose the grip around our throat? What if we say what we want to say, and not just think it? What if we find a way to release?

So yesterday I practiced just that, after a painful movie.  It all came out, triggered by real human pain in a scene. It wasn’t my pain, but I felt it. I held the pain in my throat and decided not to cry. After all, it wasn’t my pain. It was Michael Jackson’s. So what if it wasn’t just his pain I felt. What if it were also mine? It didn’t have to be the same experience. God knows I have my share of lashings in this life. The ones that leave marks in the heart and soul. So I arrived home, and slowly, without realizing it, I let go of the grip. And it all came out. Right on my kitchen table in front of my family. On display, Kim K

ugly-cry, all out. It was so necessary. Couldn’t turn it off, so after a long talk, I had to remove myself from my family and rinse it all off in my warm, cozy shower. In solitude with my extra raw, vulnerable self. So small, under the water. Feeling like a little girl holding my arms. And then I remember the woman I have become. I took a few deep breaths, and I landed in my body again. It is strong. It is resilient. I stood there and felt the ground beneath me. It was solid. And right in there, I felt the most loved. The most guided, the most understood, and the most whole. I let the grip go, and the knot subsided. I liberated pain that had been stuck, maybe for years. Is it all gone? probably not, but last night I went to bed feeling a sense of freedom and lightness.

I don’t know who needs to read this, but I just want to share my night. My night with Michael. 

I give thanks to God and my daughter for listening and holding my heart these days. For singing so loud until we laugh so our angels can hear us! 

And to all my men... thanks for keeping trying. You got this. ♥️